How to get your child to tidy up without a fight

Parents often find themselves in battle with their children when it comes to tidying up. Photo / 123RF
There are developmental reasons for children being messy. But there are ways to encourage your child to look after their rooms without stressful conflict.
If you’ve ever opened the door to your child’s room only to be greeted by a sea of clothes, toys and who knows what else, you’re not alone.
Among countless reminders, pleading and threats, parents often find themselves in battle with their children when it comes to tidying up. For so many of us, it is an endless cycle of “try and let it go” and then “triggered and explode”. The ongoing conflict this creates can be stressful for everyone.
But you are not doomed to live with piles of Lego, collected sticks and stones – or rooms full of old food and unwashed dishes until your children leave home. There is a different way to approach this.
There are developmental reasons for children being messy.
Children and teens don’t fully develop the part of their brain needed for high-level organisation until adulthood, and can be easily overwhelmed by a tidying job.
This should not get them off the hook, though. Practising organisation skills is great for the brain. Research shows helping with tidying up from as early as 18 months is associated with improved prosocial skills (the ability to work with others).
It can also be hard to keep a room tidy if children have too many toys in their room. This means they have to riffle through things or tip out toy baskets to find a toy. Too much choice can also lead children to quickly move from one toy or activity to the next.
As a parent, we can get caught in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed and frustrated and become disconnected from our child’s perspective. For younger children, play is work – much of their learning happens as they play.
When we interrupt their play and tidy up their masterpiece, or throw out a special object, it can break trust and feel devastating for them.
For teenagers (and even younger children), having personal space is important to develop a healthy identity and sense of control in their world.
So when parents barge into their room and move their things, this can feel like a violation.